I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
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