How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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