bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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