best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I need to sanitize my soul.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
