he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
