Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
