i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
