Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
