I'm going to jail i love you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
