I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
