Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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