Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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