This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
