But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
