The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
