Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
