yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
