Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
