she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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