If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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