you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
