Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
