the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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