I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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