The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
