Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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