I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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