First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
