the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
