I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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