god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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