I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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