Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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