so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
