i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
