Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You pole danced in your parka.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
