Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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