yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
