The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
