I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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