ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
