Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
