He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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