Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
