You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
