you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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