fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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