dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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