she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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