he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
