He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
